Pregnancy after loss, after loss, after loss

Pregnancy after loss. It's all over the place. People talking about it, wanting to know how to deal with it...by 'it' I mean the fear. The hashtag PAL is everywhere, there was even a whole day in dedication to it only last week. I get it. It's the hope mixed with fear that these pregnancies…

Pregnancy loss and mental health

The pregnancy loss that tipped me over the edge was a medical termination. We lost Luna at 19 weeks, she had Turner’s Syndrome, we knew this from 12 weeks. We had been giving her time to see if the complications she was suffering from may stabilise to a point where she could be born live…

What’s ‘normal’?

When it comes to miscarriage and baby loss, 'normal' takes on some very different forms and unexpected turns. I was taking a look at old photo’s the other day and I came across the ones taken nearly three years ago while we were in Canada for my brother’s wedding. There’s some lovely photo’s and I…

A conversation of death with a 5 year old

For a five year old, Benjamin is pretty clued up about death and grief. Just over two years ago, his baby sister, Luna, died. Since that moment - actually, even before we knew she was definitely going to die, he was a part of the story. Both of my parents have died, Dad when I…

Motherhood?

What does this mean? What shape does it take? What are our ideas of it before we attain it? How does it change once we have? Are you only a mother to living children? These are some of the questions I ask of myself, quite a lot! Some I have found answers to, others are…

But…why?

I don't know...because biology is a bastard and nature doesn't care about my feelings? That's what I have felt like saying after I have had to explain to people that I have had yet another miscarriage, or told them about how many I've had. There's an assumption that there must be a problem, something wrong…

T.O.P

That's what I saw typed on my notes as I was sat across from the Registrar. She was talking to me about my latest missed miscarriage, what my options were, what they could do for me, etc... T.O.P. It took me a moment to figure out what this meant, and then I realised: Termination of…

To Luna

I wonder what you would be doing right now. If you had been healthy and been able to make it to full term, you would be about 18 months old now. Would you have been like your big brother, late to get up and walk, or would you have been keen to keep up with…

Letting go

What I didn't really go into in my last post was how this miscarriage was different from my previous ones (they have all been very different), my waters actually broke with this one. Which I don't think is uncommon, but it did have the effect of feeling more like the process of labour. And that's…