Some people would call me a monster, I did kill my son after all. But what if I told you I loved my son and killing him was the best thing I ever did for both of us? I’m not even sure if that’s true, but I want it to be and maybe that’s good…
Courageously Broken
Ahem, soooo, I have gotten two or three comments recently telling me how 'strong' I am or must be. These have come via social media channels, but I have had it said to my face over the years as well, and it's got me thinking. I want to be very clear, I am enormously grateful…
What’s ‘normal’?
When it comes to miscarriage and baby loss, 'normal' takes on some very different forms and unexpected turns. I was taking a look at old photo’s the other day and I came across the ones taken nearly three years ago while we were in Canada for my brother’s wedding. There’s some lovely photo’s and I…
A conversation of death with a 5 year old
For a five year old, Benjamin is pretty clued up about death and grief. Just over two years ago, his baby sister, Luna, died. Since that moment - actually, even before we knew she was definitely going to die, he was a part of the story. Both of my parents have died, Dad when I…
Motherhood?
What does this mean? What shape does it take? What are our ideas of it before we attain it? How does it change once we have? Are you only a mother to living children? These are some of the questions I ask of myself, quite a lot! Some I have found answers to, others are…
Remembering Luna: A funeral for a baby
After last week's article, I really wanted to look at my memories of Luna more closely. I have already written about what happened to her in the article titled T.O.P but I wanted to write about her funeral. The anniversary for this is approaching and it's been on my mind a lot lately. All that we…
When dad died
A friend of mine sent me a link to Cariad Lloyd's podcast, Griefcast, the other week. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is either a part of this weird club (Cariad's words, not mine!) or is possibly supporting someone who is in the club. I've put a link at the end of this…
Reflections
Taking a look at the photo gallery I posted on New Year's Eve, I realised how many of the photo's have Luna as their subject. This is really heartening to see, she is a part of our family and we are thinking of her always. Which means we are taking her with us everywhere and…
Life-long project
Charlie had bought and read the book Grief is the thing with Feathers ages ago...I gave it a wide berth! I find it difficult to read things like this, they pick at the scab of my grief. However, our good friend has worked on the theater production of this book and we have booked to…
Letting go
What I didn't really go into in my last post was how this miscarriage was different from my previous ones (they have all been very different), my waters actually broke with this one. Which I don't think is uncommon, but it did have the effect of feeling more like the process of labour. And that's…