Wedding anniversary

It would have been my parents 43rd wedding anniversary yesterday (14th August). My mum wrote, on what would have been their 30th anniversary, in her own blog 13 years ago. Here's what she had to say. Bear in mind that she had just finished her own treatment for breast cancer only a few months previously:…

Pregnancy after loss, after loss, after loss

Pregnancy after loss. It's all over the place. People talking about it, wanting to know how to deal with it...by 'it' I mean the fear. The hashtag PAL is everywhere, there was even a whole day in dedication to it only last week. I get it. It's the hope mixed with fear that these pregnancies…

T.O.P

That's what I saw typed on my notes as I was sat across from the Registrar. She was talking to me about my latest missed miscarriage, what my options were, what they could do for me, etc... T.O.P. It took me a moment to figure out what this meant, and then I realised: Termination of…

To Luna

I wonder what you would be doing right now. If you had been healthy and been able to make it to full term, you would be about 18 months old now. Would you have been like your big brother, late to get up and walk, or would you have been keen to keep up with…

Conversation with Benjamin

Ben: "Who is my Granny?" Me: "Granny Jaynie, my mummy and Granny-" Ben: "Daddy's mummy." Me: "That's right." Ben: "So we need to put you and me on a list with Granny Jaynie and give it to her. That would be nice for her." Me: "Yes, because we all belong together?" Ben: "Yes. Where is…

Reflections

Taking a look at the photo gallery I posted on New Year's Eve, I realised how many of the photo's have Luna as their subject. This is really heartening to see, she is a part of our family and we are thinking of her always. Which means we are taking her with us everywhere and…

Dad’s birthday

A couple of weekends ago, it was my dad's birthday, he would have been 69. We celebrated by going to Polesden Lacey, near Dorking, for a walk and some lunch. As you can see, it was a beautiful Autumn day. Truthfully, I haven't been very good at marking these dates in the past. I have…

Life-long project

Charlie had bought and read the book Grief is the thing with Feathers ages ago...I gave it a wide berth! I find it difficult to read things like this, they pick at the scab of my grief. However, our good friend has worked on the theater production of this book and we have booked to…

Letting go

What I didn't really go into in my last post was how this miscarriage was different from my previous ones (they have all been very different), my waters actually broke with this one. Which I don't think is uncommon, but it did have the effect of feeling more like the process of labour. And that's…

Elephant in the room

So the actual physical part of the miscarriage started on it's own last week. Which is a relief, I didn't want to have to interfere with the process that was already underway. But, once things really got going and the reality hit home - "this is really happening" - suddenly, the elephant in the room…