It would have been my parents 43rd wedding anniversary yesterday (14th August). My mum wrote, on what would have been their 30th anniversary, in her own blog 13 years ago. Here's what she had to say. Bear in mind that she had just finished her own treatment for breast cancer only a few months previously:…
Death and Due Date Anniversaries, Grief Fog, Big Life Decisions…and naps
It's been awhile since my last confession - I mean, post. Freudian slip there! Well, not really. I suppose these posts are like confessions. They're certainly the truth, at least as I see/feel it at the time of writing. I haven't posted on here in a while for a few reasons. Work has gotten in…
Monster mum
Some people would call me a monster, I did kill my son after all. But what if I told you I loved my son and killing him was the best thing I ever did for both of us? I’m not even sure if that’s true, but I want it to be and maybe that’s good…
What’s ‘normal’?
When it comes to miscarriage and baby loss, 'normal' takes on some very different forms and unexpected turns. I was taking a look at old photo’s the other day and I came across the ones taken nearly three years ago while we were in Canada for my brother’s wedding. There’s some lovely photo’s and I…
Wisdom of Mum – Part 3
My mum's blog has been pulling me to it again in the last few weeks. I haven't sat down to look at it until this afternoon though. I'm learning to listen to these 'pulls'. I go through her book (I turned her blog into a book) and take my time. Sometimes I know within a…
A conversation of death with a 5 year old
For a five year old, Benjamin is pretty clued up about death and grief. Just over two years ago, his baby sister, Luna, died. Since that moment - actually, even before we knew she was definitely going to die, he was a part of the story. Both of my parents have died, Dad when I…
Motherhood?
What does this mean? What shape does it take? What are our ideas of it before we attain it? How does it change once we have? Are you only a mother to living children? These are some of the questions I ask of myself, quite a lot! Some I have found answers to, others are…
Wisdom of Mum – Part 2
I was browsing my mum's blog again and found this entry, it feels very apt at the moment. I also had a dream last night about a necklace of hers, I put it on as soon as I got out of bed this morning. I suppose I'm feeling her presence more closely at the moment…
But…why?
I don't know...because biology is a bastard and nature doesn't care about my feelings? That's what I have felt like saying after I have had to explain to people that I have had yet another miscarriage, or told them about how many I've had. There's an assumption that there must be a problem, something wrong…
At the pool
Watching you jump and splash So happy! So joyous and full of life. Diving and twisting and leaping Like a dolphin. Racing with daddy, who will get there first? Benjamin! Daddy's a good sport.