I find myself missing my parents a lot right now. There’s something about a crisis that heightens the feelings of their loss in my life. I’m craving the sound of their reassuring voices, especially my dad’s. I feel slightly adrift, but it’s a familiar feeling that’s always there, somewhere inside me. If I sit quietly and think about them I can begin to feel their presence, which does something to calm me. However, in times like these, this type of connection just doesn’t cut the mustard. I’d like them here, thanks.
When Luna died, I needed my mum and dad so incredibly badly. I hurt because Luna died, I hurt even more because I couldn’t be wrapped up by my mum and held very, very tightly. I’ve read other people’s accounts of baby loss and how their families, their parents in particular, were a great source of comfort to them. I’ve read descriptions of parents stepping in to ‘parent’ them again in their time of need. I wanted that so badly – to be held and cared for in the way only my mum and dad could do. To feel the safety of their embrace and hear the warmth of their words. I really, badly wanted that. It’s the same feeling now. I would just feel safer, more reassured, with them here.
Their protection is still very much needed and wanted, even though its been over 20 years since my dad died and over 12 since mum died. It’s a feeling that doesn’t seem to go away. That phrase ‘time heals all wounds’ has just popped into my head and I’m internally swearing at it furiously (take that keyboard!!). What a load of rubbish. The wound will never, ever heal. Somehow, I’ve learnt to live with the constant ache that their absence in my life brings…but sometimes I just really, really want them back and knowing I can’t have them is just, well, really fucking shit.
So what would they be doing and saying right now? Well, I think my dad would be very reassuring. He probably would be trying to help those who needed it most, despite being 70 himself (if he’d lived), he believed in the importance of being neighbourly. He’d be advocating getting out for fresh air and a nature fix…he’d be furious if public parks closed. He’d follow the rules, but he’d be vocal if he thought anyone was overstepping their authority (police arresting someone for doing the shopping for someone else comes to mind). My mum…I’m not sure she’d be quite so calm about everything! But she’d be keeping herself occupied by reading some good, chunky historical fictional novels (anything about the Tudors would do), writing on her blog and sitting out in the garden, enjoying the red cardinal and blue jays that were always visiting. Both would be doing those jobs they’d been putting off. I can see myself in parts of both of them.
I dearly wish I could have a Zoom or Facetime call with them right now. See their faces and feel that things were alright in the world just because they’re in it. Even though they wouldn’t be able to stop anything bad happening, I long for them to be here just the same. Funny how I am simultaneously an adult woman of 41 years old, a mother myself – but I’m also a child, who misses her parents. It’s a feeling that hasn’t faded over the years, whether I’ve been facing a horrendous crisis (and there’s been a few over the years) or heart bursting joy. I Expect it never will.