Some people would call me a monster, I did kill my son after all. But what if I told you I loved my son and killing him was the best thing I ever did for both of us? I’m not even sure if that’s true, but I want it to be and maybe that’s good enough.

I want to assure you that I am actually a good person. I worry about my carbon footprint, so I started buying local and offsetting my airplane journey’s by giving money to Brazilian farmers. I worry about the homeless, so I give money to a charity (everyone knows you don’t give cash to an actual homeless person, they’ll just waste it on, well, getting wasted). I make my daughter eat lots of fruit and all of her vegetables and I don’t let her eat too many packets of Haribo’s. Oh yes, I have a daughter. Don’t worry though, I have no plans to kill her too, I wouldn’t do that. She’s perfectly safe.

You see? I’m pretty ‘normal’, just an average person. Apart from killing my son. Does it help if I admit to thinking about him everyday? That part is definitely true. Definitely. Sometimes I think his ghost is following me, watching me. But I don’t believe in ghosts. Sometimes…sometimes, I think I can hear him laugh or cry. But that can’t be right, because I’ve never heard him do either of those things. My mind must be playing tricks on me. Oh, the trickster brain! Maybe I’m going crazy, maybe that’s okay.

My daughter, let’s focus on her. She’s very beautiful – and funny, which lets face it, is more important. She says things like ‘When your dead, you don’t do smelly poos anymore!’. I told her that. She thinks it’s hilarious. I especially like it when she shouts it out as we’re passing a cemetery, on a busy side road, with lots of mum’s pushing prams. They’re my favourite people to shock. Why should they think they’re safe? I like it that my daughter reminds them that they’re not. It’s a kindness really and it’s easier to hear it from a child. They know all about ‘The Truth’. And surely it’s of some comfort to know that even though you’ll die one day, at least all the waste of your life will stop too?

Sorry, is this normal? Is this what ‘normal’ people think about? Or do I only think about it because I see him everywhere, he’s in everything, even the shit? Mostly he’s in the beauty though, but beauty decay’s and then more beauty arises. Beauty, decay, birth, death, joy, heartbreak…over and over again. One continuous, never ending story. I birthed him, I killed him, then I birthed him and killed him again. I’m doing it right now. It’s compulsive and I can’t – don’t want to stop. And why should I? This is my personal parenting manual. All the others left out the chapter on ‘When you kill your son/daughter’. Funny that. Fuck Gina Ford, I never trusted her anyway.

No, I will keep birthing and killing my son and my daughter and I will keep mocking death and laughing at nice women pushing prams.

This is a piece of creative writing, a departure from my usual posts. I’m exploring some of my more darker thoughts surrounding termination. I’d be interested in hearing your stories of baby and child loss. They could be as a piece of creative writing: a short story or or poem, or as a true capturing of what actually happened to you. It could be that you lost a baby under similar experiences as I’ve had, or maybe your child died much older, due to illness or suicide or by accident. It could be from an experience of infertility, the loss of children you’ve never had and never will. I’m also interested in hearing about other types of child loss, not necessarily by death. Perhaps through adoption, moving countries or because social services have removed children from the family home. These could be your stories, or that of a distant (or dead) family member. A grandparent or great-aunt/uncle. I am thinking of compiling stories like these into a book format, an anthology of sorts. It’s all very early stages! If you would like to share your story, or a story from your family (just make sure that if they are still alive you have their permission), you can email it to me at: hay_mann2000@yahoo.com (copy address into your email). Or, you can private message me via my social media platforms: Twitter, Instagram or Facebook

2 thoughts on “Monster mum

  1. <3 <3 Love this!

    Maybe one day I'll write a creative piece too. Right now I'm too enraged with our culture on these topics, ha ha.

    I simply refuse to justify my choice. Our society LOVES it when we do, because then they can judge us for it when it doesn't match up with their morals, lol.

    I used to tell my story but I don't anymore because it felt too much like I was asking for validation or understanding, or redemption.

    I had an abortion. End of story. I feel great about it. It was the best decision of my life. If someone feels like my choice was wrong well then, that's really a "them problem".

    Of course, abortion stories, just like loss stories are SO helpful to others. We need these stories, just like we need people, especially kids to shout THE TRUTH from the rooftops. People die.
    And people have abortions. For lots of different reasons. And people feel different emotions throughout all of these things and none of it is wrong. I think sharing these truths, your own truth, is so important because you just never know who you're going to help or inspire with it.

    Keep up the great work!

    1. Thanks for reading Lael! I’m glad you liked it, your encouragement means a lot…it took me a few weeks to build up the courage to share it! Thank you for sharing a part of your story too. You’re right, it is important to hear the truth. I feel enraged as well and that’s why I wanted to write something that tapped into my more dark thoughts and emotions surrounding my termination. Mine was a termination for medical reasons, I was induced, I laboured and delivered Luna. By doing this, I ended her life. That’s the truth, but it’s not the whole truth, or the only truth that counts. And I’m afraid it can be the part-truths that people, on both sides of the argument, have a tendency to focus on. As you say, women have abortions and TFMR’s for many different reasons. I doubt very much that any of them take the decision lightly, even if it is the right answer for them (and their babies, fetus’s, embryo’s). The reason’s and the after effect’s are rarely black and white. I also believe most women make the decision from a place of love or fear, or a mixture of both, and this is why compassion and understanding are of the upmost importance. Being a mum is complicated eh?!
      Sending you much love.

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