What I didn’t really go into in my last post was how this miscarriage was different from my previous ones (they have all been very different), my waters actually broke with this one. Which I don’t think is uncommon, but it did have the effect of feeling more like the process of labour. And that’s interesting. I am coming to realise that my body is acting out what I am feeling emotionally. Which is nothing new, lots of people think that the mind and body are linked, probably more than we like to admit or recognise. There is a very clear action/reaction process going on. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood are so emotionally charged, but also very little is discussed in real honest terms.
Losing Luna was the worst thing that happen to me. It broke me. And her loss is linked to the loss of my parents as well. Not having them to lean on in my grief, magnified the grief of losing them, the grief fed each grief.
Often I hear “time will heal” and while it may be true that time gives distance between the person you were before the loss and the person you are afterwards, it doesn’t really heal anything. There’s simply more space. But when something else happens, could be an anniversary, a familiar smell or song or, another loss, all previous losses come right to the surface and the pain of if is still just as raw.
Another thing that keeps cropping up, is the idea of “letting go”. I’m not sure what people really mean by this, or if they’ve really thought about how it sounds. A friend, just the other day asked me if I thought that by continuing to have therapy that it wasn’t allowing me to “let go”, that I was dwelling on what happened by continually going and talking to someone about it. I told her I didn’t feel I needed to let anything go. That it would be impossible and the wrong thing to “let go” of Luna. Of course, this friend bustled and stumbled over her words and said that’s not what she meant, but what did she mean then? The truth is, life is complicated and messy a lot of the time. The big, important stuff that happens to you, the stuff like love and loss doesn’t easily detach itself from you once it has happened. If it was easy, or indeed even possible (which I personally don’t think it is), then what would be the point of any of it, really? Because in essence the idea of “letting go” for me would mean letting go of the love I feel for the person that is gone and I don’t want to do that. That would be a deep betrayal to that person and to myself.