Elephant in the room

So the actual physical part of the miscarriage started on it’s own last week. Which is a relief, I didn’t want to have to interfere with the process that was already underway. But, once things really got going and the reality hit home – “this is really happening” – suddenly, the elephant in the room became even more difficult to ignore: Do we or Don’t we try again? And it’s messing with my head, because it’s not really that simple. The amount of work it took us to get to the place of ‘Do we or Don’t we’ before was tremendous. To get to where you feel you can make a good decision about something as huge as whether or not to try for another child, after the amount of grief and loss we’ve experienced, took an enormous amount of effort (and bravery) on our parts. Never mind the actual decision making process itself. And now we’re back at square one, facing the uphill challenge of getting ourselves in the right head space in order to make a really important, really huge decision, that effects all of our lives. I’m not really sure what to do with that, other than to try and console myself (and buy myself much needed time) with ‘nothing needs to be done right now’ and ‘the most important thing is to look after ourselves’…but the elephant still remains firmly in the room…to catch glimpses of every now and then, reminding us that one day, at some point in the future, we’re going to have to confront it. But before we can even do that, we’ll have to get our mental strength back. I feel exhausted just thinking about the effort involved. I’m going for a lie down.


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